April 2020: The Quarter-Life Crisis + Why I'm Not Going to Spain in 2020
We’re back again for another monthly update, my series in which I talk about how my life has been in Daejeon, South Korea.
Birthdays are a particularly good instigator for quarter-life crises, wouldn’t you say?
Another fun existential wrench is a crossroads. A choice. This career path or that one? Do I go to Spain or not?
A global pandemic is another good trigger. Throw them all together and, baby, you’ve got a stew going.
I’ve had a couple of breakdowns this month. #relatablecontent amiright?
My birthday came and passed on April 13, and while I enjoyed a great picnic with friends, a restrained weekend in Seoul and lots of love from home, I couldn’t help but feel sort of blasé about it all.
I love my birthday but I guess it’s true what my parents say. You get older and, as they say, birthdays become less of a celebration and more of a reminder of that ever-ticking mortality clock. Dramatic, I know. I know I’m only 24 and that’s still really young. Everyone likes to remind me of that (my students, literal ten year olds, like to remind me that I’m Baby).
Then, about two weeks ago, my school asked me if I wanted to renew for next year. I was taken by surprise since we weren’t asked until late May last year. I guess the virus has accelerated the Korea end of the things, and slowed the Spain side of things.
If you’re new to this blog, I’ve mentioned before how I want to teach in Spain. For literal years now, that’s been my goal and my plan. Spain in 2020. I’ve spent hours of my deskwarming time devoted to studying Spanish. I’ve done all the research, scoured all the blogs. I applied in January, got a low inscrita number, and patiently awaited a placement in Madrid.
And then, a few days ago, it kind of all came crashing down on me.
I’m just not ready to leave Korea yet.
After lots of stress, phone calls, and awkward conversations with my coteachers, I decided to stay one more year.
The reasons (because it matters to me that I type them out):
I still have so much in Korea I want to do
I could use one more year to save money
I still have many friends in Korea who are staying, including one with a baby who I’d like to see grow up a little more
I don’t believe Spain will be fully recovered enough by August/September for me to ensure I’ll get my visa/flight/find an apt
My goal for moving to Spain is to learn Spanish and travel, and I think I won’t get the full experience I was hoping for this year
While I’m meh on Daejeon, I love my school, coteachers and apartment
The lifestyle in Korea really suits me, and I’m happy here
Really, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully ready to leave Korea because life here suits me. But if it weren’t for corona, I’d make the jump now. I just don’t think Spain will be ready by September. Sure, the virus might be better, but with all the talk of the second wave and rumors that the tourism industry will be dead in the water until 2021, I got nervous. You shouldn’t make a decision out of paranoia, my best friend told me. But is that paranoia?
I recently got in touch with a teacher in Spain who’s hoping to teach in Korea. We traded advice and she essentially begged me not to come to Spain, detailing how intense and unforgiving their quarantine has been. Her school has given her zero support, she was illegally evicted, and only just a few days ago were they allowed to walk outside.
I’m sure things will be better by September, but will they be good enough? Probably not. I’d rather wait this out in a country I’m familiar with. Were I in the US, maybe my decision would be different.
So I told my school I wanted to renew, and they said okay. Then literally the same day, I got my Madrid placement. When it rains…
I feel like my "Five Year Plan” was wrecked within a matter of a week. Okay, I shouldn’t say wrecked. Given everything, I’m so lucky. Corona has disrupted or taken so many people’s lives, and at the end of the day, if I have a job, health insurance, and a place to sleep, I’m okay. So don’t mark this as me complaining; I’m just confused and nervous about the future.
On the phone with my best friend, I realized this was all a quarter-life crisis. What do I want my life to look like? What will my career be? Will I ever have a “career” in the typical sense? April was a whole month of these questions.
It was a busy month. I met my friend’s new baby. I went on picnics and bike rides and thrift shopping excursions. I spent too much at Uniqlo, as usual, and got my first-ever pedicure.
Now that the weather is warm and I can go outside without a jacket, I feel a little bit more like myself. The humidity reminds me of Texas, which is both a good and bad thing.
I hope you’re all doing well and are safe, well-rested, and healthy. Here’s hoping May is a little less existential.
