November 2020: Cold Front, Burn Out
A short monthly update.
This summer, I was sort of lost in my own head. I wasn’t a very present friend. Not that I’m trying to shit on myself—it’s been a rough year and we’re all doing our best. No one was mad at me for being distracted or distant.
Still, I knew it, my friends knew it. I vowed to do better and I did! I was far more present this month and last.
Now, don’t mark what I’ll say next as complaining because I am very appreciative that Korea is safe enough, pandemic-ly, that I can see my friends often. But I think months spent in this ~corona time~ have limited my capacity for social interactions.
Between back-to-back weekend trips, all day hiking excursions, and meeting up near daily to help my friends with their grad school essays, it got to be too much. My introverted ass was burned out.
Maybe it wasn’t the intense, clinical sort of burned out. (My friend Abbie made a podcast episode about the kind so bad that it becomes physical.) But I still had to do the thing I am absolutely awful at—turn people down.
Actually, the more I thought on my burn out, the more I realized this entire year has been one, long, sloooow burn. Cue the Kasey Musgraves. I’d been struggling to start or finish anything. Even watching netflix became something to check off my list. It was like my attention span was just totally gone.
Yet, somewhat paradoxically, I always have lots of hobbies—drawing, working out, reading, studying Korean, etc. etc. My friend calls me the Queen of the Side Quests.
As I stayed home more, I put my energy into all those side quests. I began to have so much to do that I had to set up daily reminders—something I hadn’t had to do since college.
I could’ve—would’ve—been heading towards another burn out. Just a creative one this time, instead of social.
The past few weeks, though, have been different. I think the reason why is that I’m trying to be kinder to myself. Negative self talk is something I struggle with, so I try not to beat myself up if I can’t finish something. I split up my tasks into manageable sections and I don’t force myself to do something if I don’t have the energy. I do force myself to put a task down when I need to move on. I make myself go to bed earlier instead of staying up for god knows why.
Some days I can do more. Some days I can do less. It sounds so obvious, but man, I did not think like that before.
None of this is particularly revolutionary, but’s working for me. And if or when it stops working, I’ll do something else. Something something adapt, overcome, improvise.
I’ve been much better these days than I was this summer. You wouldn’t think it, with the 5pm sunsets and freezing weather, right? But my therapist and I agreed I had achieved a lot of my goals, so we’re tapering things off.
There’s not much else to say, so in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’ll offer what I’m grateful for:
Family recipes
True crime podcasts
Female/queer Star Wars fans
Tiramisu
My coteachers
Mass Effect
Low intensity HIIT workouts
and thankful for these guys <3 ft my fancy pose
Stay warm and thanks for reading!